March 19, 2016

I'm very suicidal today. Can't get the thoughts out of my head. Just a little while ago I was laying down my plans, updating my will (it's not an official will) and the files with my final words for those whom I love. Then I started to look for videos...

March 18, 2016

Not too bad a day as days go. I woke originally at 7:30. Got a smoke and went back to bed. I did fall asleep again but I had antoher nightmare about Lucy. I kept trying to reach him but I could not do it. Some force prevented me no matter what I did....

March 17, 2016

I am... dunno. Seriously down I guess. I couldn't even put the coffee on. It was just too much effort. I miss Lucy. I keep hearing his claws ticking on the floor. Every time I go out to get a smoke I look for him. He always followed me out. I used to...

March 16, 2016

Staying moving today. Planted the shrubs and the flowers. Now I have to spread the mulch. But I am still dealing with depression. Especially after last night. It is difficult to move, to breathe, to function. All I want is to lay down in bed and sleep...

March 14, 2016

It is pouring rain outside. Coming down in buckets. I am glad I did not put the grass seed down. It would have been washed away. I am doing better today. A little better each day. Depression is still licking at me but it is lighter than it has been. ...

March 12, 2016

The depression is lifting. For the first time in days today I feel alive. I slept well last night for the first time all week. I woke up feeling good. Feeling normal. It is funny how good normalcy can feel when you've been buried in depression. It is...

March 8, 2016

What a dream. A bad one that's for sure. My brother.. oh my brother. He was so different and we fought. I had to stand up to him. Had to. Did not want to fight but what choice did I have? He was so different. So effeminate. And so nasty. To everyone....

March 6, 2016

I just spent a few days in the Poconos helping a friend with his basement. He has a beautiful home up there. I could fit my little shack inside his living room it's so big with around a 25 foot cathedral ceiling. He has 2 fireplaces, 5 bedrooms and...