April 4, 2016

I absolutely hate driving anymore. There is traffic everywhere at all hours of the day. One stretch of road that used to have just 2 stop signs now had 11 red lights. I get a kick out of the light at the top of the development. No turn on red. Hell....

March 30, 2016

Serious depression today. Tears, the voice, low energy... the entire route. Damn voice... dam beast. He hates me with a passion. He wants me begging to die as I scream in agony. We're getting another dog. I think it's too soon but my wife sold me....

March 29, 2016

Not a good day but not too bad of one either. Had a major blowout last night but when I made it clear that I was willing to move out and let the house go up for foreclosure it all kind of went away magically. I pay the bills here and as long as I do I...

March 28, 2016

Stable today. Stable but a little down. It is a dreary, miserable day outside and I am stuck home with the grands. I have 5 of them out of 9 (10th is on the way in about a month). All the little ones and the biggest one who helps me with the little...

March 27, 2016

Happy Easter world. It is not a good day for me. I woke up early with one of those monster headaches. Downed some tylenol and caffeine but it's not helping. Even the light off the screen is torturous. And the depression is back. When I woke early I...

March 26, 2016

Another decent day. Light depression and n headache. No panic attacks either. Have to continue to help my daughter move today. We are taking it in shifts. I have Jeremiah this morning while my wife helps her. Then this afternoon it will be my turn to...

March 25, 2016

I am better today. Much better. No panic attacks, no depression. No headache. I haven't had a headache in a long time. Being out of work is good for that at least. Not good for my pocket though. We're prepping for Easter today. Loading all the...

Questions after a very bad day

This was an extremely hard day. I had multiple panic attacks. Bad ones where I swore I was dying of heart failure. I was unable to breathe. Couldn't sit still. Had chest pains. Racing thoughts. Fear. Tears. The entire route. And it happened multiple...

March 24, 2016

Today has been a day of panic attacks. One right after the other. I did go over to see my parents and the attacks went away for a while but I no sooner get home than the next on starts. Small wonder with all of the people here. My parents' home was so...

March 23, 2016

I'm kind of dunno today. It is not a bad day but not a good one either. I am missing Lucy a lot today and I'm a little down. Just a little. Not crippling but still down. Still some tears when the moment is right... or wrong or whatever. My daugher...

March 22, 2016

Lost again today. Lost and alone. Oh Jeremiah is here with his dad but even he can't cheer me up. The news from my daughter whould have cheered me but it didn't. I still don't believe her. Not until I see it. Way down upon the swanee river... far far...

March 21, 2016

I'm tired. Tired of the depressions. Tired of being down. Tired of the voice. Tired of issues. There are so many of them. Tired of life but what am I to do? I just watched a video on how to deal with suicidal ideations. In it they said, of course, to...

March 19, 2016

I'm very suicidal today. Can't get the thoughts out of my head. Just a little while ago I was laying down my plans, updating my will (it's not an official will) and the files with my final words for those whom I love. Then I started to look for videos...

March 18, 2016

Not too bad a day as days go. I woke originally at 7:30. Got a smoke and went back to bed. I did fall asleep again but I had antoher nightmare about Lucy. I kept trying to reach him but I could not do it. Some force prevented me no matter what I did....

March 17, 2016

I am... dunno. Seriously down I guess. I couldn't even put the coffee on. It was just too much effort. I miss Lucy. I keep hearing his claws ticking on the floor. Every time I go out to get a smoke I look for him. He always followed me out. I used to...

March 16, 2016

Staying moving today. Planted the shrubs and the flowers. Now I have to spread the mulch. But I am still dealing with depression. Especially after last night. It is difficult to move, to breathe, to function. All I want is to lay down in bed and sleep...

March 14, 2016

It is pouring rain outside. Coming down in buckets. I am glad I did not put the grass seed down. It would have been washed away. I am doing better today. A little better each day. Depression is still licking at me but it is lighter than it has been. ...

March 12, 2016

The depression is lifting. For the first time in days today I feel alive. I slept well last night for the first time all week. I woke up feeling good. Feeling normal. It is funny how good normalcy can feel when you've been buried in depression. It is...

March 8, 2016

What a dream. A bad one that's for sure. My brother.. oh my brother. He was so different and we fought. I had to stand up to him. Had to. Did not want to fight but what choice did I have? He was so different. So effeminate. And so nasty. To everyone....