Jan 12, 2017

It's not a bad as these days go. Depression is light. The beast is mostly silent. No panic attacks and, blessedly, no headaches. I slept well but I was up very, very early. Like 3:30 AM early.Not really sure why but I knew from the moment I woke there...

Jan 11, 2017

After a couple of days of numbness the feelings come crashing back like a tidal wave. Depression of course. It is back as if it had never left. I am still moving and thinking very slowly. Slow tears burn their way down my cheeks. No sobs, just leaking...

Jan 10, 2017 8 PM

I'm still kind of numb today. Dead inside. Unfeeling. No pain, no tears. No elation... no anything at all. I am taking colonozepam to maintain he numbness. To keep myself dead to the world. It is so nice not to feel anything at all. Blessed peace at...

Jan 9, 2017 8:00 PM

I'm numbed out today. Dead on the inside. No feelings whatsoever. Simply numb. Dead to the world.   It is a nice place to be. It sure beats the depression and even the mania. Numb. Blessed numbness.   My cold is still very bad. Hey Sue.....

Jan 7, 2017

I feel better today. If not perfect at least I can breathe without coughing. For the most part at least. My head and chest are both still congested. My throat is still sore. But the cough has improved. It's still not a dry cough but it is less...

Jan 6, 2017

I feel like shit again. So bad that I called off work. Gagging and choking and tossing my cookies. Head all plugged up. Chest all congested. I barely slep for all of the coughing. And I have a sore throat. I feel bad about calling off. They have no...

Jan 6, 2017 - A 3:30 AM Ramble

3 down, 2 more to go. Nightworks that is. Then one day off and back for 2 more. I hate when they take away my 3 day weekend like this. Now I have to wait 2 more weeks for another one.   An eerily quiet night at the refinery. Of course it is....

Jan 5, 2017 2 AM

It's another quiet night at the oil works. Makes for a long, long night. But I'd rather things were quiet then to be running my ass off. Especially in this weather. I think the temperature is right around freezing but the wind chill has to be down...

Jan 4, 2017

Well this is day number 2 of 8. One of our shifties had a death in his family and so I have to work this weekend for him. I am already working tonight and tomorrow night and next Monday and Tuesday so counting last night that makes 8 in a row. 12 hour...

Jan 3, 2017

I'm up early to go into work for my annual physical. I am never up this early. It's still dark outside. The long nights should be growing shorter but you cannot see it yet. Except perhaps in the afternoon when it gets dark now around 5 PM instead of...

Jan 2, 2017 3:00 AM

It is a slow night at the oil works. That works well for me. The depression is deep enough to make interfacing with others difficult. This way my interactions with others is kept to a minimum.   The beast is there inside my head. He keeps...

Dec 31, 2016

Happy New Year everyone. It's 2017. Remember when the world was going to end in 2000? Then again in 1012? Well we made it, just like we always do. The world continues to spin round and round and life goes on. I was on standby for the big computer...

Dec 30, 2016

It is not such a bad day. I mean the depression is light and the beast is but a faint whisper in my head. But I am stressing out big time. I just tool a clonozepam to help calm me down. I am breathing hard with a sharp pain in the left side of my...

Dec 29, 2016

It is a miserable day outside. Damp and rainy and cold. All gray and overcast. It matches the darkness inside. I am down today. Way down. Tears flow for no reason. They duplicate the raindrops outside. I sit here alone and weep for no apparent...

Dec 27, 2016

It is not such a bad day. Not really a good one either but at least the depression has let up some. The suicidal ideations had subsided. The beast is not so insistent. No headache today which is always a good thing. I slept well. I did not get up...

Dec 25, 2016 - Merry Christmas to All

Well it's here and almost gone. I am in a good mood today thank God. Nothing like giving gifts to put one in a good mood. My wife like what I got her. We had a scare when we thought it had all been stolen. She said she put it all under the tree but we...

Dec 24, 2016

Merry Christmas world! It is a good day, A great day. I feel good. No depression. No panic attacks. I did have a headache when I woke but a few headache pills and some caffeine and it was gone. Maddy go to open her gifts this morning. That little...

Dec 23, 2016

It's been a rough couple of days. Depression has been bad. Very bad. And along with it comes the hated self pity. Oh woe is me. I am so depressed. The goddamn beast has been an ever present pain in the ass. He feeds the depression and the insanity. He...

Dec 21, 2016

These have been a good few days. No depression to speak of. No panic attacks. I have, however, been dealing with headaches each day. I have one again today but it is relatively mild. No thrumming, the world does not narrow into a dim gray tunnel when...

Dec 18, 2016

I woke up to the demands of my son that I get online RIGHT NOW and download a file for him an print it out. I had a massive headache and my printer is broken so of course I could not do so. He had a screaming fit (He's 32 years old and SHOULD be past...

Dec 17, 2016

This is not a bad day. No. Not bad at all despite having woke up with a headache. It wasn't a major one. Nothing a few tylenol and some coffee couldn't cure. I have no depression today and the voice of the beast is silent. No panic attacks so far but...

Dec 16, 2016

It is not a bad dy. Not a good one either. Just about normal. Depression is there as ever. The beast is speaking up, as usual. Had another headache this morning. It was fairly severe. Left me stumbling around the house trying to make coffee without...

Dec 15, 2016

It is brutally cold out. The wind is whipping making it feel like 9 degf. We had a touch of snow over night. Just enough to cover the windshields. They're saying it is only going to get colder. Tonight the actual temperature is supposed to be in the...

Dec 14, 2016

Coffee at last! Only had to wait an hour and a half for my wife to get home. I'm a real bear when I wake up without coffee. It does nothing for the headache which is ever present. Not a killer but bad enough. Depression is bad today. Real bad. The...