Jan 5, 2017 2 AM

It's another quiet night at the oil works. Makes for a long, long night. But I'd rather things were quiet then to be running my ass off. Especially in this weather. I think the temperature is right around freezing but the wind chill has to be down...

Jan 4, 2017

Well this is day number 2 of 8. One of our shifties had a death in his family and so I have to work this weekend for him. I am already working tonight and tomorrow night and next Monday and Tuesday so counting last night that makes 8 in a row. 12 hour...

Jan 3, 2017

I'm up early to go into work for my annual physical. I am never up this early. It's still dark outside. The long nights should be growing shorter but you cannot see it yet. Except perhaps in the afternoon when it gets dark now around 5 PM instead of...

Jan 2, 2017 3:00 AM

It is a slow night at the oil works. That works well for me. The depression is deep enough to make interfacing with others difficult. This way my interactions with others is kept to a minimum.   The beast is there inside my head. He keeps...

Dec 31, 2016

Happy New Year everyone. It's 2017. Remember when the world was going to end in 2000? Then again in 1012? Well we made it, just like we always do. The world continues to spin round and round and life goes on. I was on standby for the big computer...

Dec 30, 2016

It is not such a bad day. I mean the depression is light and the beast is but a faint whisper in my head. But I am stressing out big time. I just tool a clonozepam to help calm me down. I am breathing hard with a sharp pain in the left side of my...

Dec 29, 2016

It is a miserable day outside. Damp and rainy and cold. All gray and overcast. It matches the darkness inside. I am down today. Way down. Tears flow for no reason. They duplicate the raindrops outside. I sit here alone and weep for no apparent...

Dec 27, 2016

It is not such a bad day. Not really a good one either but at least the depression has let up some. The suicidal ideations had subsided. The beast is not so insistent. No headache today which is always a good thing. I slept well. I did not get up...

Dec 25, 2016 - Merry Christmas to All

Well it's here and almost gone. I am in a good mood today thank God. Nothing like giving gifts to put one in a good mood. My wife like what I got her. We had a scare when we thought it had all been stolen. She said she put it all under the tree but we...

Dec 24, 2016

Merry Christmas world! It is a good day, A great day. I feel good. No depression. No panic attacks. I did have a headache when I woke but a few headache pills and some caffeine and it was gone. Maddy go to open her gifts this morning. That little...

Dec 23, 2016

It's been a rough couple of days. Depression has been bad. Very bad. And along with it comes the hated self pity. Oh woe is me. I am so depressed. The goddamn beast has been an ever present pain in the ass. He feeds the depression and the insanity. He...

Dec 21, 2016

These have been a good few days. No depression to speak of. No panic attacks. I have, however, been dealing with headaches each day. I have one again today but it is relatively mild. No thrumming, the world does not narrow into a dim gray tunnel when...

Dec 18, 2016

I woke up to the demands of my son that I get online RIGHT NOW and download a file for him an print it out. I had a massive headache and my printer is broken so of course I could not do so. He had a screaming fit (He's 32 years old and SHOULD be past...

Dec 17, 2016

This is not a bad day. No. Not bad at all despite having woke up with a headache. It wasn't a major one. Nothing a few tylenol and some coffee couldn't cure. I have no depression today and the voice of the beast is silent. No panic attacks so far but...

Dec 16, 2016

It is not a bad dy. Not a good one either. Just about normal. Depression is there as ever. The beast is speaking up, as usual. Had another headache this morning. It was fairly severe. Left me stumbling around the house trying to make coffee without...

Dec 15, 2016

It is brutally cold out. The wind is whipping making it feel like 9 degf. We had a touch of snow over night. Just enough to cover the windshields. They're saying it is only going to get colder. Tonight the actual temperature is supposed to be in the...

Dec 14, 2016

Coffee at last! Only had to wait an hour and a half for my wife to get home. I'm a real bear when I wake up without coffee. It does nothing for the headache which is ever present. Not a killer but bad enough. Depression is bad today. Real bad. The...

Dec 13, 2016

It is a good day as these days go. Depression is light if it is there at all. I slept well and woke with only aslight headache that soon disappeared without taking any ibuprofen or tylenol. I had a panic attack last night but so far today there has...

Dec 12, 2016

It is a down day. Perhaps not depression but definitely down. There are no tears so it may not be depression. Had a headache when I woke up. A nasty one. Took the last of my ibuprofen to get rid of it. I'll have to pick up more on the way to work....

Dec 11, 2016

It is not such a bad day. Depression is light but still there. The beast is quiet but he still whispers inside my head. There have been no panic attacks. Nor any headaches. I slept will but not as long as I'd like to. I had one bad dream and it is...

Dec 10, 2016

It is a better day. Depression is growing lighter. No tears. No headache. No panic attacks. I slept well. All in all I feel like a new man. I think a good night's sleep is vital to feeling better. With no dreams and no headache. Poor sleep always...

Dec 9, 2016

It's been a rough couple of days. The depression has been deep and long lasting. The beast has been loud and obnoxious. I have had repeated panic attacks in work. Each night has been a 3 clonozepam night. They are needed to fight the panic attacks....

Dec 7, 2016

It is not a good day. I have a killer headache. Depression is back. The beast is back. No panic attacks though thank God. Head is all screwed up. I did not sleep well at all. I was up at all hours of the night. Up and down and up and down. Bad dreams....