Oct 16, 2016

I'm pretty sure there's a mathematical algorithm to describe how cigarette butts fall in an ashtray. It would have to take into account the size and shape of the ashtray and how many butts are already there. It would describe whether or not the butt...

Oct 15, 2016

A good day. No depression, no panic attacks, no headaches. I slept well. My knee is being good. Yes. A very good day. Going to get my semiannual haircut today. I have to get a shower first. I only get my haircut 2 or 3 times a year so it goes from...

Oct 14, 2016

Another day. I am off today so that is a good thing. In fact I have the weekend off although it ends with a daywork on Monday. Mondays are always insanity in the yard and I expect no less. It will be my first daywork in over a year so it will be a...

Oct 13, 2016

It is another gray day outside. A day without sunshine. Seems like we get more gray days this year. The days are reminiscent of the gray days of winter. They have the same feel. They are a reminder that the long dark of winter is right around the...

Oct 12, 2016

It is a good day. A lazy day. I slept well but was woken up early when my wife called to let me know she had a doctor's appointment and would be late getting home. I was in the middle of a good dream too. Good dreams are so rare. They are worth their...

Oct 11, 2016

Not a bad day. Not a bad at all. Depression is all but gone. No beast. No panic attacks. My knee is being good. I slept well. All told a good day. Or it would be if my wife was in a better mood. She started off in a good mood but somewhere along...

Oct 10, 2016

Depression is still the name of the game today. And tears. Always tears of course. The beast is his usual pain in the ass self. It's funny but I've learned to tune him out. Selective hearing. He rattles on and on and I just ignore him. Mostly anyway....

Oct 9, 2016

A better day than yesterday. Each day gets a little better. The depression is mildly deep. The beast is quieter. No panic attacks as of yet so no need for clonazepam. Thank God for small blessings. Miah is here again today as well as Maddie. Those...

Oct 8, 2016

It's been another day. Another bad one. Not as bad as yesterday which was better than the day before so I cannot really complain. But the depression has been deep and the beast has been strident. Panic attacks each day have called for clonazepam....

Oct 7, 2016

It is not a good day. Yesterday was worse but today is not good at all. I slept like crap waking up every hour or so with bad dreams again. Some were really bizarre. All centered around HIM and my insecurity. Today the depression is deep and strong....

Oct 5, 2016

It is not such a bad day as these days go. Depression is mild. No almost panic attacks today. That is likely because I am off. My knee is being good. All in all who am I to complain? Life is OK I guess. My wife has been so depressed lately. She has...

Oct 4, 2016

It is not such a bad day. But it was. Almost from the minute I got up I was stressing out again. Hands shaking. Feet twitching. Almost panicking. Heart racing and hard to breathe. Pacing like a caged animal. I took 2 clonozopams and I can feel them...

Oct 3, 2016

Help! The sky is falling! There's a big glowing ball up in the sky! Just kidding. We have some limited sun today instead of the gray overcast we've had for days. The sun feels good when it's out. Which isn't all too often but even sometimes is better...

Oct 1, 2016

It's a good day. I slept well and I feel great. No depression, no panic attacks and no headaches. No dreams and no beast either. It is great to have quiet inside my head for once. I mean it. When the beast speaks it is not just thoughts in my head. It...

Sept 30, 2016

It is not a bad day. That does not mean it is a good one though. Depression still likes at my ass. I did not sleep well again. No dreams this time that I can remember. Just kept waking up every hour and a half. Then it takes a half hour to get back to...

Sept 29, 2016

It was a rough night last night. Very rough. We were very busy and I was dog tired. Every time I sat down I began to fall asleep. Good thing I did not get many chances to sit. I slept like the dead when I got home. Actually the ride home was...

Sept 28, 2016

It was a very bad night. Very very bad. I was up constantly and finally gave up the ghost around 2:30 AM. I later tried laying down again but sleep eluded me. Bad news on a night when I have to work 4:30 to 4:30. Bad news indeed. The shit with my...

Sept 25, 2016

It is not a bad day. Not an especially good one either. At least there are people here today. My oldest with her kids and her boyfriend. My wife. My son was here for a bit with Maddy. It beats an empty house. Depression is kicking my ass today. Even...

Sept 24, 2016

Another day of rough sleep. The dreams still pester me. I will never be over him at this rate. I woke up virtually every hour and a half with those nasty dreams. They are really quite explicit. Almost X rated. A soft X or a hard R rating. They leave a...

Sept 23, 2016

It's not a bad day but not a good one either. I had more dreams last night and slept like shit. Always the same sort of dreams. Always. Today I am rather down. Alone as always. I have work tonight so tonight I will see and talk to people. Not really...

Sept 22, 2016

I started this day with another monstrous headache. The worst I've had in a long time. A migraine. One of those where light is like daggers piercing your eyes and the world dims to a narrow gray tunnel if you stand up too fast. It was bad and neither...

Sept. 21, 2016

It is a blah kind of day. I am just blah. Little energy, some mild depression. Down. Just cannot wake up even though I've been up for hours and already had my coffee. Everyone is blah today. Even Jeremiah. The little tyke is sleeping right now. So is...

Sept 20, 2016

57 years ago my mother was in labor. She has regretted it even since. (smile) One year closer to that big 60. That is when I am officially old. Even the government allows me to collect my pension without penaly. Yes I am a Virgo. Strengths: Loyal,...