June 26, 2016

my heaad's not right today. Not at all. Got a massive headache and it's short circuiting my circuits. I'm miss firing. The picnics yesterday were good. Had a beautiful day for it. Sunny and warm with low humidity. I was extremely tired from having...

June 24, 2016

Last night was a fucked up night at work. We had a sampling mishap at the lab and now there will be a big investigation. If you ask me they made a mountain out of a molehill but no one can blame them. They knew nothing about the sample. But damn, I...

June 23, 2016

We're home now. She was discharged last night. She is still in a bit of pain but not too much. Of course she refuses to take her pain pills. LOL! That's my wife. Never was much for pain pills. She says they make her feel funny. She spent a very...

June 20, 2016

This is going to be atrying day. My wife goes in for her surgery today. It is routine and she is not worried but I admit to a ball of worry in the pit of my stomach. It will not go away until she comes out and is OK. Anything can happen in surgery....

June 19, 2016

The depression is deep this morning. I don't know how I'm going to do work at all. I can't face people. Not like this. I guess I'm lucky I am extra today and don't have to deal with anyone if I don't want to. Even though being extra has it's own...

June 18, 2016

Well I am up at the godawful hour of 2:30 AM. Up and drinking coffee, getting ready for work. This is the big day when I go back. They will be having a graduation party for my granddaughter while I am at work, I won't miss a lot of it because it...

June 17, 2016

It's another day, another dollar. Last day before I go back to work. Dayworks at that which sucks. I will have a ton of CBLs to do to catch up. And MOCs and more. I will be locked out until they are done and will need to get the FSS to let me in. It...

June 16, 2016

Not a good morning so far. I'm still trapped in this past year. I can't escape it. I can't help it. It has me in it's clutches and just won't let go. The beast capitalizes on it and keeps harping on it. There was so much pain and insanity this year....

June 15, 2016

Not a bad day at all. No depression, or very light. No headaches, no stress, no chest pain. No panic attacks. All in all a good day. I return to work in just 3 more days. 2 more days off so I'm making the best of them. I've been busy outside today....

June 14, 2016

A good day so far. No panic attacks, no stress, minimal depression. No tears. The beast is quiet for once. It is cool out though cloudy. It looks like it will be a gray day which would have matched my mood a couple days ago but today I could go for...

June 13, 2016

I just got the final clearance to go back to work from work's doctor. He gave me some crap about my blood pressure and I did not think he would let me return but in the end he relented. I have to wait to hear from my boss about what schedule I will...

June 11, 2016

I wish it was a gray and rainy day. That would so match my mood. I am gray and rainy on the inside. Down. So far down. Tears of course. It was a headache day. I woke with a wopper. One of those where the world narrows to a dim gray tunnel when I...

June 10, 2016

I'm batting 0 for 2 these past 2 days. First I went to my appointment for the ultrasound yesterday. Turned out I forgot to bring my script so they could not do the test. I had to reschdule for Tuesday. My fault. My bad. Payback came today at my work...

June 9, 2016

It's a high stress day. First I have to make it past the appointment with the psychiatrist. I have to convince him that I am ready to go back to work while at the same time convince him to up the antidepressant that I am on. A fine line to walk indeed...

June 8, 2016

Not necessarily a bad day. Just not a good one. Mild depression I think. A few tears. Nothing more. I have an appointment for an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon for the kidney stone. Not sure what good it is beyond confirmation that I have a stone. What...

June 6, 2016

My mood is OK today. No depression at least. No panic attacks. No chest pain. I am doing well all told. Not seriously down although I am donw just a bit. Tears still threaten as always. Tears for no reason, as always. They say tears always have a...

June 4,2016

I got my ass in gear today and made a big dent in the garage. Problem is there is so much stuff out there. Walkers and cribs and containers of baby toys and more. There's simply no place to put it. I mostly just moved shit around and swept the floor....

June 3, 2016

It hasn't been a good day. Not a particlarly bad one either. But bad enough. Been out of sorts all day. Just not right. Kind of down. Kind of out. I had another spell with the chest pain today but it wasn't bad enough to require a nitro pill. More of...

June 2, 2016

All things being relative it is a better day. Not a good one but better. The suicidal ideations have subsided. I've been able to take my pills back from my wife. (I gave them to her as a precaution when the suicidal thoughts threatened to become...

June 1, 2016

It's been a rough couple of days. Today isn't really much better. I am still so far down that I can barely move. Still filled with suicidal idaetions. The urge to die. The longing to die and get it over with. To end it all. To put a stop to this...