April 13, 2017

It is not such a bad day. Depression is light but definitely there. The beast is quiet for a change. I've had no panic attacks or headaches although I did have a near panic attack yesterday in work. That was because it was a highly stressful day with things coming at me from all directions faster than I could deal with them. Such a situation always stresses me out and yesterday was no exception. So far today seems to be better. Slower paced at least. Of course the day has only just begun so time will tell.

 

I've been suffering from heartburn and indigestion for the past 2 days. Time was I lived with that every day but it has been a long time now since I had any issues like that. Luckily I still keep tums handy for just such an event. And luckily they do not go bad with age.

 

It is 4 days until my wife leaves for 2 or 3 weeks, She is going to North Carolina with her sister. She has stuff to get done down there like painting the kitchen and dining room. She also plans to get the driveway repaired. We lined up a guy to do it last time we were there.

 

I cannot say I am not concerned. I always worry when she goes on long trips without me. You never know when something might happen to the car or something else that she would need me for. Added to that is the worry over this guy she is talking to via text. He is an old boyfriend of hers and he says he loves her still. He is supposedly happily married but how can that be when he is telling her that he loves her? I know she was deeply depressed for the one day that they did not talk and she thought it was over between them. But he is back now. I can't help but feel it is a little inappropriate for her to continue talking to him after he confessed that he loves her. He lives in North Carolina and so I worry that she will go to meet him. What would come of such a meeting I don't know but it can't be anything good for me. I have tried to talk to her about it but my jealousy always comes to the forefront and results in bad feelings on her part. If I push her to give him up I just might lose her. Perhaps to him. I don't really know what to do. I am supposed to trust her. I want to trust her. I tell myself I do trust her yet I think I am fooling myself. Else why would I be so jealous and so worried about him?

 

I did not sleep well last night again. For the second night in a row dreams of the other HIM have haunted me. They were gone for the longest time but now they are back. I think it must have something to do with the new him she has in her life now. My jealousy and worry coming to the forefront. I sucks. I really have to get this under control. I HAVE to trust her else what is our relationship based on?

 

Well be good and stay strong. Always remember the magic found in smiles and hugs and laughter. It can change your life for the better if you allow it to.

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Comments (19)

  1. SEC

    if you allow it!

    April 13, 2017
    1. noahbody

      Allow what? How can I stop it?

      April 13, 2017
      1. SEC

        the magic you have

        April 13, 2017
        1. noahbody

          I see

          April 13, 2017
          1. SEC

            you encourage others yet push that same encouragement away from yourself as if it doesn’t apply to you

            April 13, 2017
            1. noahbody

              Perhaps I do not deserve it.

              April 13, 2017
          2. SEC

            here we go again! None of us deserve it in that way, but we all deserve it in that we all are loved.

            April 13, 2017
            1. noahbody

              Yes we are, whether we deserve it or not.

              April 13, 2017
            2. SEC

              Yup love is not something that is earned it is freely given

              April 13, 2017
            3. noahbody

              That is true. I cannot deny it.

              April 13, 2017
            4. SEC

              and the loved one has the freedom to accept or refuse

              April 13, 2017
            5. noahbody

              Sometimes

              April 13, 2017
            6. SEC

              All the time without that freedom it is not love returned

              April 13, 2017
            7. noahbody

              true enough

              April 13, 2017
  2. belladora

    Hello, I am thinking that if she knows this bothers you, why would she do it. You have enough on your plate without adding insecurity and jealousy. It is not something I cold tolerate. My mind can make a volcano out of an ant hill and I am aware I am like that. Sometimes, we build things up in our minds and the reality isn’t as bad as our perception of a situation. I would just say “NO”. That’s me.

    April 15, 2017
    1. noahbody

      Thanks

      April 15, 2017
  3. noahbody

    Yes she never complains when I talk to people on here. Or to Iris, a friend in the Netherlands. How can I complain about her talking to someone when I have done the same for years? Yet he has expressed his love for her. Doesn’t that make it different?

    April 13, 2017