April 15, 2017

It is a good day. No depression to speak of. No beast. No panic attacks and only a minor headache when I got up. I slept fairly well, only waking a few times with little difficulty getting back to sleep. No dreams last night thank the good Lord. Those dreams are highly disturbing and always set a bad tone for the day.

It is cool out and overcast. I don't think it will rain but it does make for a gray day. ANd you know how I feel about gray days.

I spoke with my wife yesterday regarding this guy she is texting. I told her is bothers me that she continues to text a man who has declared that he is in love with her, even if he is married.  She told me that it would make her sad but she would stop talking to him if it bothers me that much. I told her no, she needn't do that. I want her to be happy and if he makes her so than so be it. She said she promised not to go to meet him while she is in North Carolina. Tha and her willingness to put him aside for me are all that I really needed. They prove she still loves me. I know I should not need the proof but jealousy is an evil beast that cannot be controlled. I feel better now although it still bothers me that she talks to him. To my knowledge she did not talk to him last night at all. Either that or she is now hiding it from me. I don't she's doing that. I trust her. At least I want to trust her.

Sadly she also said to me that she doesn't consider us to be married any longer. The vows we took... we each broke them, she much more seriously than I, and she considers that to be irreversible. And it is. She said once the vows are gone there is no longer a marriage. That brought tears to my eyes because she is right. I am going to suggest to her that for our 40th anniversary we renew our vows. I don't know how that will float but I will try. Perhaps it will give us back our marriage.

She leaves in 2 days. She will be gone two or three weeks. I will miss her greatly. The house will be empty without her. But I will survive. I always do. It won't be easy but I will. Depression will be a bitch but I will survive. I have no other choice. I dread this summer when she says she will be down there the entire time. That will be months. I have vacation in that time and so I can visit for a while. But she will be gone the entire time. And all that time I will have to worry about this guy. She will be texting him constantly like she already does. When will it turn into love? WILL it turn into love? I dunno but I have no other option but to trust her. She is, after all, my life.

Well be good people. Stay strong. Always remember the magic found in smiles and hugs and laughter. It can change your life for the better if you let it.

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Comments (8)

  1. SEC

    Actually I think she will see your proposal as a sincere expression of your love and desire for her

    April 15, 2017
    1. noahbody

      I would hope so. Thank you.

      April 15, 2017
      1. SEC

        It would also signal your forgiveness and a request for hers.

        April 15, 2017
        1. noahbody

          Thank you. You are right of course. It would be a new beginning. I need to talk to her about it.

          April 15, 2017
          1. SEC

            May you have the best of responses

            April 15, 2017
            1. noahbody

              Thank you

              April 15, 2017
  2. Bettymom

    Yes – it sounds so romantic! That’s how I would take it, anyway. Good luck!!

    April 16, 2017
    1. noahbody

      Thanks

      April 16, 2017