April 16, 2017

It is another good day all things considered. I did wake with a headache, a rather severe one, but it is gone now. It left behind some nausea and a dim feeling of pain in my head but it is nothing compared to the dizziness and gray world it engendered while it was here full force.

I have no depression today to speak of. No beast, no panic attacks. Yesterday I did have an almost panic attack but a couple of clonazepam headed that off.

It is a beautiful, warm day outside. It's supposed to get up to 84 degf today with lots of sunshine. It will cloud up tonight and we will get some violent thunderstorms as a cold front moves through. But the day will be more sunshine and warmth than we've seen in a week.

Everyone is here today for Easter dinner. They all came early and it's standing room only out there. The contrast to what the next two weeks will bring is great. The next 2 weeks the house will be empty and I will be alone. It will be a long two or three weeks for sure. I will just have to survive it that is all. Already the thought of it stresses me out. But I will not show that to my wife. I want her to go and have a good time after all. Just as long as she is not going to see HIM then I will be fine and she has promised not to.

I spoke to her about renewing our vows. The response was very noncommittal. Consequently I am not sure that we will do it or not. Regardless I bought her a card yesterday and in it I renewed my vow. She did not respond with the same. She said she liked the card but she did not comment on my vow. I fear our marriage is more damaged than I realize. At least in her head it is. For me we are closer than we have ever been but I cannot tell how she feels. She is very ambiguous. I don't know what to think or do or say. How do I fix this? I dunno if I can. I know I cannot fix it on my own. I need her to work with me. I am not sure that she wants to do so. I can't tell. I know she says she loves me more every day but that does not signal a positive response to renewing our vows. To fixing our marriage.

Without vows what is a marriage? A temporary arrangement? A tentative joining of individuals? Without vows what is to stop her from cheating again? Would it even be cheating? Without vows our relationship is doomed. Or is it?

It is Easter and I should not be thinking such thoughts yet it is all that I can think of.

Well Happy Easter everyone! Be good. Stay strong and always remember the magic found in smiles and hugs and laughter. It can only change your life for the better if you let it.

To leave a comment, please sign in with
or or

Comments (0)