April 8, 2017

It is another good day all things being relative. No depression to speak of. No panic attacks. But I did wake up with a severe headche. Severe but not debilitating. I did not sleep all that well either, waking up multiple times and having difficulty getting back to sleep.

Last night in work was a bitch. I had my orders from daywork but the nightwork FSS (Facility Shift Superintendent) gace me conflicting orders. The operators were expecting one thing and that changed. They put me in the middle like that and I did not like it. It stressed me out. Then we had pump issues on both units, what ifs to do and a screwed up tower on the Alky. Again, we had orders to run it one way but we could not make it and so we had to settle on what we could get.

Whenever shit like that happens I get super stressed out. I have my orders but they get countermanded. Yet I ultimately am the one responsible for seeing that the orders are carried out. But the nightwork FSS is my direct boss and it is to him that I am responsible so I need to follow HIS orders even when they conflict with the day Area Superintendent's orders. They put me in the middle and that stresses me out big time.

Needless to say I almost had a panic attack and needed to take 2 clonozepam.

Today is a beautiful day outside. A bit of a breeze but it is brightly sunny and relatively minor. The sun feels good. At last the gray days are over. We only had 2 of them in a row this time and for that I count myself lucky. Monday and Tuesday it is supposed to hit 80 degF and I am off. They should be good days too.

I am, as always, alone again. She is out running as usual. She will be home in time for me to go to work but that is all. I miss her terribly.

The headache is gone after a handfull of tylenol and some coffee. But it leaves behind a queasiness in my stomach. It was severe enough to make me nauseous but not to make the world dim when I stood up. The coffee was already hot when I awoke, thank God for small blessings, so I did not have to deal with that. It was also a sign that she had not been gone too long which meant it would be longer until I saw her.

I don't feel like going to work again tonight. I really do need to retire. I'm not sure I can make the next 5 to 8 years of this shit. What I would not give to have my old job in IT or in Process Controls back. That is, however, out of the question for now at least. They have no openings and I grow more and more stale the longer I am away from the job. My skills are dated and so it becomes less likely that they would hire me even if they did have an opening.

Well be good, stay strong and always remember the magic found in smiles and hugs and laughter. It is a magic that can change your life for the better.

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