March 26, 2017

It is not such a bad day. My depression is light, almost non existent. The beast is quiet. Last night's panic attack is a thing of the past. No headache when I woke and I slept well.

The depression seems to be tied to how well I sleep. Or vice versa. All I know is I wake with a mild depression after a good sleep but a deep one after a poor sleep. Whether the depression causes the poor sleep or the poor sleep causes the depression I do not know. But they definitely seem to be tied together.

Alone again, naturally. Always alone. Even when I'm not I am. Strange how that is. I am often most alone when I am not. Actually I am not quite alone. Domani and Ishy are here. They are out back with a fire going. Domani started this one all on his own. He is learning and I am proud of him although I do not feature him starting a fire without any adults around. Still I taught him to manage a fire properly and I trust that he does so. He respects the fire which is key. He has built up quite a bed of ash. The coals from yesterday were so deep that they were still hot. Perhaps I have not taught him enough about how to properly extinguish a fire. A fire is not out until all of the coals are cool too. You have to drown a fire then stir the coals to properly put it out.

We leave for North Carolina in the morning after I am done work. I will likely sleep a good part of the way while my wife drives. It will be a working vacation since I have a lot of work she expects me to get done. I rarely get a real vacation. She does. She did when she went to Florida. If I say anything then she'll reply that I could have taken off and went with her but I couldnot have gotten off since someone was already on vacation. I guess I could have made a couple of swaps and gotten off but that is blood money when you have to work 7 days in a row as a result. And that would have been twice, once before and once after.

It is a gray day outside. Sort of depressing. I need sunlight every day. My sunlamp no longer does the trick. Looks like rain coming.

Be good people. Stay strong and remember the magic found in smiles and hugs and laughter. It can change your life if you let it.

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Comments (2)

  1. belladora

    I just finished reading Bruce Springsteen’s autobiography, Born To Run. The last chapter or two he discussed his demons and how they manifest themselves. Immediately, I thought of you and when you have to battle. He explained his tears and how he hated them. He felt he had no control over them. It was so touching and it reminded me of a long time ago when you felt that way. He went on different meds and things got better. Being a Jersey boy, he thought he should be able to do it alone. If you have a chance, it’s a quick read. Behind the tears was his will to create and control his whole world. We are never alone.

    March 27, 2017
    1. noahbody

      Wow. I will have to read that. Thank you.

      March 27, 2017