May 21, 2017

I am such a sad sack loser. I can no longer tell if the tears are from the depression or the fact that my wife's extended stay in North Carolina begins this week. We head down there today after work. We will drive down together. When I have to return I will fly back alone. She will be staying there at least another 3 weeks before she returns for only a couple of days to see Tianna in her prom gown. Then she will head back down there and likely be there until late in July when she will return again for a couple of days to go the Joan Jett concert with me. After that she will not be back until September. Probably late September.

 

It is going to be a long, lonely and miserable summer. I can't wait for it to be over. It's a bitch to wish your life away but there you go.

 

I am not doing well today. Not at all. Depression is bad. Tears are bad. The beast is loud and obnoxious. No panic attacks though which is a good thing. No headaches either which is a better thing. So I guess all is not bad although it sure does feel like it is.

 

My last daywork for a week is today. Thank God. Dayworks kick my ass. I never sleep well and it's difficult to get by on just a few hours sleep. It accumulates after a few days until I can barely keep my eyes open. It is worse when combined with the depression. Or it makes the depression worse. I dunno. I can't tell which causes which. All I know is on days after a rough night the depression is usually very bad. Like today.

 

It is looking to be a beautiful day outside. Bright sunshine. Barely a cloud in the sky. Nice and crisp and cool out. It would be a good day to be off. Unfortunately I am not off. After the gray skies of yesterday today is a relief. I hate gray days. They, too, feed the depression.

 

Be good and stay strong. Always face the world with a smile. Never refuse a hug and try for at least one good laugh per day. There is real life changing magic in smiles and hugs and laughter.

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